Boundaries for a More Fulfilling Life
“Set boundaries!”
We’ve all heard that advice.
But what does that really mean?
Is a “boundary” defaulting to saying “no”? Putting up figurative walls to avoid vulnerability? Taking on hard conversations in order to stand up for yourself?
For my fellow people pleasers out there, cue the cold sweats.
Despite the potential discomfort, there’s a reason the “set boundaries” advice has hung around.
Boundaries are one of the building blocks in helping you to avoid burnout and sustain balance while creating a life you love.
Boundaries are the guidelines and rules we use to protect ourselves by setting expectations for ourselves and those around us.
Now, it’s important to remember that the focus of a healthy boundary should be to take care of and protect yourself. A health boundary should never be to try to control those around you. (Sorry friends, there still isn’t a magic button to puppeteer the world. I’m still figuring that one out.)
While establishing and practicing boundaries can improve your relationship with others, I think the biggest value is how they help to build trust and a healthy relationship with yourself.
Boundary setting takes practice.
When you want to establish a new boundary, it’s likely going to make you a little uneasy and challenge those people-pleasing tendencies.
You’ll have to decide if the benefits of the boundary are worth a little unease of setting it in the first place.
After some practice, your new boundary will be second nature as you build the muscle of protecting your limits and trusting yourself. The journey gets easier.
So, how can you use boundaries as a key piece of successfully managing your time, staying in control of your own priorities, and being in control of building the life you want?
Setting boundaries with others
Let’s rip off this bandaid first…
Setting boundaries with others.
These example boundaries can help you protect your time, your schedule, and the life you’re creating. And, I promise, may not be as scary as you think.
Boundary #1: Set expectations you will be disconnected during your time off
Admittedly, this is one I struggled with for years.
Sure, I’d take some vacation, but I would almost always schedule at least a few hours to work on a project or be constantly checking email or instant messages. I’d say yes to meetings that were going to be happening while I was out instead of asking someone to cover or asking to reschedule.
But after years of this behavior, it didn’t leave me with extra respect or kudos from coworkers or, more importantly, from myself.
Instead, it left me burnout and guilty for taking time off, actually dreading the next vacation, and completely unaligned with my priorities. I would say over and over that I wanted more time off and more time to focus on loved ones, yet when I would take time to be with them, my focus would be elsewhere.
Any other guilty parties out there?
Your challenge: If a request comes in requiring your attention during a planned vacation…try out: “No, I can’t. I’ll be out of the office.”
Who’s cringing? Who’s panicking?
Now, I’m not saying you have to leave anyone completely in a bind. You can say ‘no’, then help to delegate the request to someone else or offer up an alternative time when you will be available. There are always other options.
This approach can lead to improved communication with clear expectations regarding your time off. You can let the world know what is acceptable to you and what is not, to prevent misunderstandings and potential conflicts.
Being pre-emptive with these boundaries can help you avoid leaving someone in a tough position with no one around to help them or, worse, saying ‘yes’ to something that derails your vacation or that you end up not being able to deliver on.
The biggest victory? This shift can help you actually look forward to and enjoy time off again. And, hopefully, empower others to follow your example and do the same. Everyone deserves a break to refuel, keep their brains fresh, and come back as better versions of themselves.
You may even be surprised, and your ego may be a bit bruised when you discover how well people can fend for themselves without you.
(Want more tips for boosting your productivity with a vacation, check out this article.)
Boundary #2: Limiting your participation in someone else’s “fire drill”
Fire Drill (noun):
The experience of getting pulled into last-minute requests that require you to drop everything else and work rushed with a lowered ability to produce your best work. Often caused by someone’s lack of planning and lack of boundary setting.
An explosion of unexpected tasks landing all over your already full plate.
We’ve all been there. Find the fire hose!
These urgent requests cause everyone to reduce their critical thinking and just rush to get something done, never really questioning if there could be alternatives. Or, better yet, if this could have been prevented in the first place.
Practice this statement in your head: “This is your fire drill, not mine.”
(Remember that old saying: “Poor planning on your part does not necessitate an emergency on mine…”)
Give them back their fire drill and take back your power to decide if you are going to be a contributing member of the volunteer fire department today, or not.
If your participation can fit into your schedule and still allow you to stay aligned with your own priorities, great. Jump in! You’ll have a clearer mind having paused to decide how you can best contribute.
But if it will shift you into acting on someone else’s priorities and goals while neglecting your own…
Boundary time.
Once again, you can say ‘no’ and/or offer an alternative for them to get what they need.
Now, this boundary doesn’t have to be black or white. Don’t feel like you have to walk around saying ‘no’ to everything in order to trust yourself to set and keep your boundaries. Run it through a filter each time a request comes in. Ask yourself things like:
Will this detract from my own priorities and goals?
Will I learn something new or have an opportunity for growth by helping with this?
Is there someone else that would be better equipped to support this ask?
Will I be resentful if I help with this?
Evaluate your answers and proceed from there.
Setting boundaries with yourself
Now it’s time to start drawing those lines in the sand with your harshest critic…
Yourself.
Boundary #1: Limit the number of hours you spend working
This could be the most fruitful boundary in gaining HOURS back in your week.
There could be an argument to categorize this as a boundary to set with others. Perhaps you need to communicate you will not take a meeting past 5 o’clock or you will work on that task tomorrow, not today.
But the real value in this boundary comes with building trust with yourself. Teaching yourself to respect your schedule.
The first step with this boundary is to proactively decide how many hours in a day or week you want to spend “working”.
Align this decision with other areas of your life that are important to you such as allowing time to exercise or helping an aging parent or attending a weekly book club with girlfriends. Then decide how many working hours will still make sense to fit in.
Set up your calendar and schedule with a clearly established time for when your work hours will start and when they will end. Only accept meetings and/or schedule project work with yourself within this window. Schedule a realistic amount of time to complete what needs to be done and focus on completing the work within those time limits.
Fair warning: When you are fully committed to this boundary, your brain is going to argue with you:
“You aren’t providing enough value.”
“30 more minutes won’t hurt.”
“Your coworkers will judge you.”
Blah blah blah.
Call BS on yourself.
If you are focused on delivering value during all the hours you’re working, you don’t need to devote more time.
30 more minutes could hurt. You’ll lose trust in yourself that you will ever actually take the time you want for other ventures.
Others may judge you, sure, but bring it on! If you’re living a life you love, let them judge.
Boundary #2: Designate specific times for stress
Admittedly, I’m a worrier.
Give me any situation and I can come up with 5 scenarios of what might go wrong and spend the next few days spinning through all of them. My brain is convinced this is protecting me by believing I can proactively prepare for any possible thing that might go wrong.
We all logically know this isn’t helpful (but try telling our brains that…)
So, instead of resisting this stress, allow it.
But, just don’t let it take up every waking moment. Set a boundary with yourself.
Give yourself 10 minutes a day to just STRESS!
Write down everything you think is worth stressing about. Then when it comes time for your 10 minutes stress marathon, set your timer, and go for it.
Pair this time with a quick walk or clean out a sock draw or just sit quietly staring out the window.
Let your mind wander to all of those crazy and terrible possibilities.
But when the timer dings…time’s up!
Redirect your brain to what you can take action on today.
Your stress marathon may have even produced and inspired a few ideas of what else you could act on or change to alleviate some of that stress.
If your brain tries to dive back into stress mode, gently remind yourself that it’s not on your schedule yet. Jot down the topic for your next stress time agenda, and get back to the task at hand.
Setting personal boundaries with yourself and others can provide so many benefits.
You can increase your self-awareness and self-confidence by really being honest with yourself about what you need and will or will not tolerate.
You can feel more in control of what your days look like.
You can increase productivity by ensuring your time and energy are focused on your priorities, not someone else’s.
And all of this can lead to a more fulfilling life…which is what we’re all striving for, right?
So while this whole boundary-setting concept may sound like a scary ask, these benefits are well worth a little unease to catapult you into a life of your own creation.
Are you tired of feeling overwhelmed? Do you feel like there are always important tasks left undone, hanging over your head? It's time to take control of your productivity and prove to yourself you can accomplish anything you put your mind to.
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