Beyond Expectations: A Woman’s Guide to Escape People-Pleasing
How often do you lie?
If you identify as a people-pleaser…it might be more often than you think.
People-pleasing is that strong fear of disappointing someone. It’s when you look to someone else to validate that what you’re doing is “good” and the “right” thing.
When you fall into the habit of people-pleasing, you don’t show up as your authentic self. You show up how you think others want you to be.
You say ‘yes’ to things you think will make them happy.
You alter your personality to meet their ideal version of you.
You show joy for what matches someone else’s interests.
In other words…you’re lying.
The Impacts of People-Pleasing
“We’ve become conditioned to compromise and shrink ourselves in order to be liked. When you work so hard to get others to like you, you end up not liking yourself so much”.
- Reshma Saujani, Brave, Not Perfect
Your motivations for people-pleasing may seem positive and genuinely good-hearted. But the consequences can be detrimental to your career and well-being.
People-pleasing hurts your ability to feel in control of your time and your priorities.
A people-pleaser is afraid of being selfish. So when a request comes in, you ask first: “What will make this person happy?” instead of asking: “What would work best for me in this situation?”
This focus on the needs of someone else immediately puts in jeopardy the priorities and deadlines you’ve already committed to. This leads to overworking, less fulfillment, and a low hum of dissatisfaction.
Women and People-Pleasing
The pressure on women to excel in both their professional and personal lives can be overwhelming.
We tend to seek external validation in all areas of our lives. We look to the external world to tell us how to look, when to speak, what to eat, how much to move our bodies, how to spend our time…the list goes on. Then we shift our behaviors and energy to focus on what will give us the best feedback.
We desperately want the validation to prove that we are being a “good girl”, following the rules, and serving those around us.
This quickly pushes us into the people-pleaser role.
5 Signs You’re a People-Pleaser
There are a few clear signs your time might be controlled by the need to people-please.
You Overcommit
Do you say 'yes' to every request, leading to an overwhelming workload?
This habit can result in stretched schedules, missed deadlines, and burnout, hindering your ability to feel in control of where you can spend your time.
2. You Don’t Set Boundaries
Do you feel like people walk all over you?
Constantly seeking approval may make it challenging to set and communicate your boundaries. This leaves you susceptible to the demands of others, making it difficult to focus on your own priorities and goals.
3. You’re Afraid of Conflict
Do you avoid conflict?
A people-pleasing mindset often stems from a fear of conflict or disapproval. This fear then leads to avoiding necessary conversations, delaying decision-making, and ultimately wasting valuable time on unproductive activities. Not to mention, putting up with an extra dose of frustration just to make it through your day-to-day.
4. Your Perfectionism Slows You Down
Do you attempt perfection to get external validation?
Perfectionist tendencies can cause you to spend excessive time on tasks to try to meet unrealistic standards. This disrupts your productivity and prevents you from efficiently completing what’s on your own to-do list.
5. You Neglect Your Self-Care
Do you put off or cancel “me time’ to take care of others?
Repeatedly delaying or canceling time for self-care can lead to chronic stress, fatigue, and a decline in your overall well-being. This, quite frankly, makes life a grind, resulting in mornings waking up full of dread for the day ahead.
End the People-Pleasing Cycle
If the above signs sound all too familiar…you may be a bonafide people-pleaser.
But there is a way to get back to living life for you on your terms. Ending your people-pleasing habits will take practice. It’s a muscle you have to build with a few simple “workout” routines.
Practice Saying 'No'
Again, I said “practice”. This is not a skill that’s going to be formed overnight.
The first few times you say ‘no’, you’ll likely be riddled with guilt, anxiety, or fear. But learning to say 'no' is a crucial skill to stay in control of your time.
Saying 'no' does not make you selfish or unhelpful. Saying ‘no’ means you are actively saying ‘yes’ to something else and prioritizing your own needs.
Start small by politely declining minor requests. Then gradually build up to more significant commitments. Let the guilt, anxiety, or fear be there as part of your practice. As you get more and more ‘nos’ under your belt, you will get stronger, making this a much easier task.
Prioritize Your Goals
First, get clear on your long-term career and personal goals to use them as a guide for decision-making.
Then, when faced with a request or opportunity, evaluate them against your goals. If they do not align, consider whether the new opportunity is worth the time investment.
You can also try asking yourself “What is right for me?”. If you were stranded on a desert island alone: no meddling coworker or well-meaning family member or social media to compare yourself against, what would you choose? Lean into that intuition. This can help remove fear of judgment from your decision-making. Trust yourself and be your own guide.
Celebrate Yourself
Become your own cheerleader to remove the need for external validation.
Instead of waiting for an “atta girl” from someone else, can you celebrate your own wins?
For example: try writing down three things every day you’re proud of. Did you complete a big project? Did you handle a difficult conversation? Did you show yourself compassion when dealing with a tough emotion? Shout it from the rooftop! Or shout it from your pencil and paper as an add-on to your daily journaling practice. (Your choice.)
Invest in Self-Care
Adjust your schedule to reflect you as a top priority.
Schedule time for your non-negotiable self-care time. This will help ensure you’ll make time for it, instead of relying on the leftover scraps of time at the end of the day.
Self-care could be regular breaks during the day, time for a hobby, a morning workout, or a monthly massage. if you’ve been neglecting your self-care for years, start small. Commit to one workout per week or one 15-minute break per day. Schedule this time and plan around it.
You can also use this as an opportunity to set boundaries around your time. Clearly define the limits of your availability around this self-care and make others aware of them. Then follow through on your commitments to yourself.
Breaking free from the people-pleasing cycle can be an impactful step to reclaim your time and feel back in control.
Prioritizing your own well-being is not a luxury. It is an essential investment in your long-term success and happiness.
Living your life in a way that’s authentic to you and prioritizes what you want your life to look like can bring you the fulfillment you’ve been searching for. This can be the key to achieving the balance that pleases you and replenishes your physical and emotional energy.
Now, I’m not done with you just yet. Your challenge for the week:
Pick a project from your to-do list that’s just for you. A project that pushes you towards your priorities and your goals, not someone else’s.
Commit to tackling it in the coming week as an avenue to practice ending your people-pleasing habits.
Download the 7 Days: Consider it Done! Guide for the how-to on breaking the project down and making it happen!
Set your boundaries and practice sticking to them. Remember: do this for you!
Have a fabulous week, my friends!
Check your most important project off your to-do list
Download the 7 Days Consider it Done! Workbook.
